Life is too precious to stop living, to hide away, to have self-pity and to have self-doubt. Yes – I stopped living my life after the birthfather went to jail, Yes – I stopped living my life after the birth, Yes – I stopped living my life while fighting the contempted adoption and Yes – I stopped living my life after my voluntary termination of parental rights. Was all this wrong too, YES, I should never let him win, never let my self-be in self-doubt and self-pity, hide away and simply put myself into a state of dark depression, I could not have the life I wanted. But that all changed one day about two weeks before B’s first birthday.
As much as I hate him, I have to admit he save me from hitting 100% rock bottom. I think I needed closure and I got it, but what his words said, impacted my life and saved me. He said one day “This is the third time I have spoken to you and this is the third time your drunk out your mind. Please go look at yourself in the mirror because you’re TURNING in to me and your BETTER than me.” That was a strong phrase, one I don’t want to be at all. So, I hung up, stood in the mirror and stared long and hard. I cried for hours when I realized what he said was TRUE. The person, I hated the most in life had enough decency to tell me to go look at myself in the mirror because I was turning into him and I was better than him. WOW – it was time to forgive him so I can live my life and love my life. I have not spoken to him since and I wish him all the best, but I can’t forgive him 100% just yet.
The following day I had therapy – another part of my life that saves me. We discussed what he said and what lead to us having three conversations. I told my therapist, I needed closure and I needed to let my feeling out that were KILLING ME slowly. No harm was done with the conversation, but good was done because for two weeks before B’s first birthday, I LIVED, I FELT, I got rid of my self-pity, I BELIEVED strong in myself (still do). But most of all, I LOVED MYSELF AND MY LIFE
#LifetimeHealingAdoption #NationalAdoptionMonth #Adoption #Photoadaychallenge #Birthmom