Adoption · Birthmother · Family · Life · Reflection · Siblings

Are They The Right One’s?

When I decided on February 26, 2016 adoption was my choice for the child I was expecting I had no idea what were the next steps in this journey.  Many things were running through my head, do I find an agency or do I just google perspective family profiles.  I was destined to find the family first that was the right fit for me and my family and worry about the other details later regarding an agency or private adoption.  As my journey began only one question was in my mind "Are They the Right One's?"

Family number one was referred to me by a family member.  This couple lived in Arizona, was well established, older, married for decades, and suffered with infertility their entire life.  I met my child's prospective "Dad T" while he was in town on a business trip.  He was very stand offish and was strategizing about legal right away and how it would affect his life style to be an older father who loves to do what  he wants when he wants.  This was red flag number one. ref flag The prospective "Mom A" wanted this child more than she ever imagined but she knew how her spouse felt.  Red flag number two. ref flag  "Mom A", was very open in conversations, open with me about being part of the baby's life but one day that all changed.  Communication was slowed and even though I reached out, it finally took them a month to tell me that they did not want to proceed with the adoption.  I was devastated by this decision because I had no idea what to do because for months I thought they were going to be the parents.   Later, their decision became a blessing in disguise.

     After family number one backed out, I was sitting reflecting on what to do next.  As I sat in my living room feeling pity for myself I came to a conclusion that I could not place with a family that was a mom and dad dynamic.  This was the only selfish decision in my entire journey.  I could not bear to hear my child in the future to call another woman "mom" for the rest of my life even though I knew with adoption I was relinquishing my rights to being their mom.  So my journey began to find the perfect couple and the perfect set of dads.

     Family two I found one night while looking up "two guys that want to adopt", I know sounds insane but I still have not contacted an adoption agency.  I went through a few profiles and then bam there they were.  They lived in New York, married for a few years if not longer, had nice careers, very large families and were very hopeful in becoming parents.  I contacted the number on their profile and was scared to death when they answered.  I spoke to "Dad A" that night and he arranged for their adoption attorney to contact me which she did that night.  I spoke to them almost every other day but mostly to "Dad A" and barely to "Dad J".  One minute they wanted an open adoption and the next they wanted a semi-open adoption, red flag number one.  ref flagWhen I finally got to talk to "Dad J" he was really quiet, seemed nice but seemed as if "Dad A" was became over bearing with our conversation and this gave me, red flag number two. ref flag I have no idea what it was said that gave me panic but after another conversation I could not sleep for three days.  I knew if I could not sleep for three days, how was I going to sleep for the rest of my life.  All I kept thinking was I would never see my child and they were going to lock my child in a closet or put my in a dresser draw and leave them.  I just could not do it and it broke my heart when I called their attorney.  "Dad J and Dad A" emailed me and called me once receiving the news and I told them they just were not the right one's for my child and I hope that they find the right baby soon.  hopeNow, what do I do, it's the beginning of April, only four months till I am due and still not the perfect family.

     A few days later, I found another family that lived on the West Coast, already have a child through adoption and stability to open their hearts and home to another child.  I did not know much about them but I loved what they had to offer and who they were.  As I was relaxing in a hot bathe one night, I reached out to them and it took a few days for them to respond back to me.  In those days, I just prayed they were wanting to adopt another child and that this was going to be my last family.  Finally they responded to me and told me that just a few days before I reached out they started the their journey for their second child and my timing was perfect.  They arranged for their adoption agency to contact me to verify my pregnancy and to guide our communication that would ultimately lead to an adoption match if everything felt right.

     Since the first email and a call to them to just make sure they were real people we talked almost everyday through email.  My pregnancy was verified by my doctor and the agency told me to keep communicating with them to make sure they were the right one's  and to let them know if we decided to move forward with matching.   With the agencies advice "Dad N", "Dad S" and I set up a phone conversation for the Wednesday before Easter of 2014.  This would be our first phone conversation and little did I know that this conversation would last two hours!  We talked about who they were, about Austin and Chloe, about their adopted child, about who I was, about what we wanted in an adoption and most importantly what it would like for all involved after the child was born.  There was not one minute that was awkward or dead silence and it was more like we knew each other all our lives.

    found temAfter we hung up the phone, I sat in my car by the lake and cried.  I cried because they were the family and they were the right family.  I knew in my heart this was the beginning of our new lives and the beginning of two families becoming one.  For the first time since making the decision to place my child for adopt I was at peace and over joyed. 

     Still there many undecided decisions and many unknowns but I am ready for this journey and I knew this journey was ready for me.  



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