The Epic Ending
In August of 2016 I graduated with my degree in Business Management. I achieved this while being a single mom, working full time and healing from my past. The day I finally received my ending GPA, I might have gloated a little on Facebook. I was proud of what I just accomplished. In retaliation my biologic sister started posting about how she was a disappointment, which made me question sharing my success. I should have known better that her reaction was her problem and it was not a problem with my success. Due to her reaction on her social media, I felt I had to call my mom to ask if I was in wrong in making my posts. My mom told me there was nothing wrong. She assured me that I should be proud and enjoy the moment. Still, I could not help but be sick to my stomach about how my biologic sister was feeling and reacting to my achievements. It bothered me that she had to ruin the experience; taking the positive attention I was getting and using it as an excuse to throw herself a pity party.
A friend was throwing a graduation party for Mike and myself. I did not invite my biologic sister because she told my mom she had plans. Honestly, I was sort of relieved she had plans because I did not want the negative energy there either. I wanted to be proud and to be thankful that even with the odds not on my side, I was able to prove to myself and to my family I could graduate. I did it and I have to say—I ROCKED IT! There was no room for her negativity in that celebration.
Finally we got to the point that I like to call the “epic ending.” This had me so angry that I was seeing RED. My mom was having some health issues. We were confronted with the need to help my mom more and generally make more time to be there for her. I could not understand how my biologic sister could not find time to help seeing that she did not have a job and her son is in school all day. I know she takes online classes but they are flexible. Maybe she just does not have the discipline or the ability to juggle a schedule like I did in school.
I had reasons I could not be there during my mother’s time of need, though I wished I could do more for her. I worked full time, lived about an hour and half away, was managing my daughter’s hectic dance schedule, was supporting my husband while he was interviewing for a new job and also had to be there for my teenage son. I already had a pretty full plate. However, we were both told to make time to help my mom. I expressed the desire to make a schedule with my biologic sister to arrange the tasks and cleaning my mom needed. I needed to do this so I could prepare my family for the time I needed to be away with my mom. The conversation did not go as planned and I lost it.
It was a Thursday evening and I had just taken Chloe to dance. I called my biologic sister and was shaking with anger by the end of the conversation. I confronted her about her social media posts about being a disappointment as she continued to make posts about it. It bothered me that she felt like a disappointment and I needed to know how to fix how she was feeling. She responded that is how I treated her, like a disappointment. At first I was civil with her but when she twisted a text message I wrote that was in a group text I was done with civility.
I wrote a text message that said “I wish I did not work nor had children.” On it’s own that sounds terrible but my biologic sister was taking it completely out of context. In context what I was saying was that my responsibilities were standing in the way of my being there for my mom more in her time of need. My point was that I wished I did not have to work a corporate job or have busy kids taking up all my free time, leaving me little time to commute so far to help my mom. I would be there everyday for my parents if I had the luxury of more time on my hands.
It was not a difficult text to interpret. Instead, she went straight for a low blow trying to hurt me. She said that text meant that I wanted to get rid of Austin and Chloe….just like I did Baby B! I lost it. I’m sorry to say I let her win by letting her get to me.
After she said this horrible thing, I needed to say my peace. I told her to shut up so that I could talk. The biggest insult was her saying I actually meant “I want to get rid of Austin and Chloe” in that text. You have no idea what it’s like, I told her. I would love to have my son home and would have him here with me if I knew his father would never abuse me again. I told her she was insane to think I didn’t want Austin and Chloe. I told her to walk one day in my shoes because God gave me my life and she would not have been strong enough to live in my shoes. I told her that in one heartbeat I would give my life and struggles to her–no problem, no questions asked. But the simple truth was she could not handle it because she was not strong enough.
I ended the call with confirming that she was disappointment. I told her that she had a college degree but no job, was on welfare, and that her house was so gross and unclean. I told her she had every opportunity to not be a disappointment but she chose what she is. The end of this conversation was not my finest moment, it ended with me calling her a “cunt.” If there is anything from this conversation that I am sorry for it for was calling her this. I would not apologize for anything else that I said though. So…my biological sister I am sorry I called you this vulgar name but I am not sorry for my feelings towards you.
I spent three therapy sessions after that day discussing my relationship with my biologic sister. With my therapist’s help I realized that she is the most toxic person for me to be around and to have in my life. She is a narcissist and needs help if she is to overcome this character flaw. I cannot give her the help she needs and I know she cannot be a part of my life. I know that when my parents pass away, she is all I will have. But I have come to realize that I don’t want her or need her in my life. She will never be in my inner circle, have my trust or my respect, or take any of my energy anymore. My parents know how I feel and I know it bothers them. Still, they understand the way that I feel and they respect those feelings.
I end this epic journey with a quote I respect by Author Shannon L Alder:
“Your dignity can be mocked, abused, compromised, toyed with, lowered and even badmouthed, but it can never be taken from you. You have the power today to reset your boundaries, restore your image, start fresh with renewed values and rebuild what has happened to you in the past.”
I will rebuild my past but she will not be part of my present nor my future. I have my dignity and have reset my boundaries. I am done with the twists and turns from my biological sister.