I am not sure where I should begin, so I will begin at the present. I am currently 36 years old and I want nothing to do with my biological sister unless it has to do with speaking to my nephew. She could be the last person around and I believe I would still want nothing to do with her. It kills me to write these words but here is the raw story…my story of how our relationship became so incredibly toxic.
In 2014, when I was 32 years old but almost 33 years old, I finally left a very abusive relationship. No one really knew how bad the relationship was as I kept his addiction and alcoholism extent away from everyone (future blogs on this topic later). I have already shared some of this sensitive material in a previous post, but here is a more in depth version. On Easter of 2014, with everyone in my family gathered for the holiday at my parents’ house, I decided that it was time to tell the family that I was pregnant. Some of the family present already knew my situation, but it was still so hard to share with the whole group. Through tears I shared how I had found a family for the baby and described to them what open adoption was. After I broke my silence about the pregnancy with them, I answered questions they had and they gave me words of encouragement. I made it clear to everyone present that what was said that day did not leave the room. I said that my pregnancy and the adoption were not to be spoken about to anyone unless the discussion was between people who were present in that room that day. They all agreed.
My VERY OWN biological sister sat there on the steps with a serious resting bitch face. You could tell she was pissed about something but I can honestly say I will probably never understand what it was. I guess it must have been her action plan from the beginning to tell people about my pregnancy and adoption. She’s always been a person who couldn’t keep her mouth shut. She couldn’t keep quiet even after I shared how important discretion was in this matter. After I found out about her running her mouth, I informed my parents and requested (actually I demanded) that nothing else was talked about with her around. She was to know nothing about my life because she could not be trusted. They agreed and more importantly, they complied.
Wes Fessler wrote,
“There is no greater blessing than a family hand that lifts you from a fall; but there is not lower curse than a family hand that strikes you when you’re down”.
I will never understand why my biological sister ran her mouth about such a personal issue and betrayed my request. I confided in family members and my parents and asked why she felt the need to betray me. No one could give me a solid answer, only a “Well, you know her.”
Did they expect nothing less from her too? Were they going to ever hold her accountable for her actions? They were complying with my wishes, why couldn’t she understand my decision? This decision, not taken lightly, was not hers to make. Was she judging me for picking Austin and Chloe over this child? Was she thinking of a way to make this a competition or was she jealous because I was getting attention? Was she upset my parents were helping me get back on my feet? I have no idea what she was thinking. I will never really know why she can’t just own up to her actions when she is in the middle of her 30’s and a grown women.
I will never 100% forgive her for this betrayal because she has no idea what it was like to make a life altering decision. I had to keep Austin, Chloe, my parents and this baby’s best interests in mind while I remained strong. This was not a competition of who is better or who gets mommy and daddy’s love. This was God testing my true strength of character.
In fashion typical of my biological sister, everything is posted on social media. It was the end of August 2014 and I was in a hospital giving birth and she posted a dig at my parents and at me. I don’t have the exact verbiage and my memory is hazy because I was a little “preoccupied” at the time but it went something along these lines: “Why should she care now about what was going on as nothing was told to her.” Yes, please let’s have a pity party! Or better yet, let’s just make it ALL about you!
After this post, I was seriously done with my biological sister for attacking my mom, my dad, Austin, Chloe and me. My cousin was done with her too, as were my mother and maybe my father. My sister had no idea what happened. I understand that she felt in the dark about the adoption or felt left out, but seriously can you blame me for not telling her stuff after she ran her mouth? Was I in the wrong for not forgiving her and giving her another chance? She had no sense of her parents meeting their grandson, placing him into his adopted parents’ arms or how hard it was saying “see you later” and leaving him with another family. Hell, her niece and nephew had to do the exact same thing! But she only cared about herself and how SHE was feeling.
There we were, in the middle of emotional turmoil, saying ‘see you later’ to this beautiful baby and all she cared about was that I was getting attention? Seriously? She was jealous over this situation? Get out of town BIOLOGICAL SISTER. Grow up!
My cousin sent her an email to tell her just that in a respectful way. She told my biological sister to stop her jealousy and start thinking about someone other than herself. She told her to think about what her mother, father, niece, nephew and sister had just endured. She explained the reason she had not been included in anything anymore was because of her big mouth. She had broken our trust when she shared my private information. My sister tried to talk shit about the email to my dad but my dad already knew exactly what was written. Did she seriously think my dad was going to come to her defense because he wanted no part of hearing how she felt and deflected the conversation.
I kept her in the dark about Baby B until November 2014, as explaining in Living a Double Life. At that point I disclosed when Baby B was born, what his name was, where he lived and that I would send her pictures. I told her this information could NOT be shared with anyone due to privacy requirements. She agreed and as far as I know she has complied. I still have doubt about this compliance though because of her history. I also told her I would explain the whole adoption story to my nephew and that I had an amazing book I could read to him that would help him better understand. In December 2014, I told my nephew about Baby B and answered all of his questions. I even showed him pictures. Till this day he loves to see Baby B on social media and in the videos I get and share with my mom.
Things were getting a little bit better again. In December of 2015, my biological sister surprised me and came to my defense when I was planning on getting married after only dating Mike for a month. It seemed she finally just wanted me to be happy. Her support at that moment reminded me of how I came to her defense when she was pregnant with my nephew. I still kept her in the dark about most things in my life and at an arm’s distance, but I appreciated her support. My trust in her was still weak but I was happy that we were somewhat mending our relationship.
Sadly it seems that every good thing comes to an epic end at some point. And that’s exactly what happened.