Betrayal · Double Lives · Freedom · Reflection

Living A Double Life

IMG_6937Throughout my pregnancy and post pregnancy, I kept quiet. I went one complete year without saying a word to anyone that was not in my everyday life or within my inner circle.

I was three months along in my pregnancy on Easter of 2014 when I decided to break one part of my silence. With everyone in my family gathered for the holiday at my parents house, I figured it was the best time to tell the members who did not know, I was pregnant. My little sister Kelly (actually my younger cousin) sat next to me on the couch and rubbed my back as I explained what was happening.  Through tears I shared how I found a family for the baby and described to them what open adoption was.  My Nana took the news in and was amazing.  I had so feared what her reaction was going to be that my mom had helped me prepare for it in advance.  But her reception was completely the opposite of what had played out in my mind. After I broke my silence to them, I answered any questions they had and they told me words of encouragement. I made it clear to everyone present that what was said that day did not leave that room.  I said that my pregnancy and the adoption were not to be spoken about to anyone unless the person being spoken to was present in that room that day.  They agreed. Only one of the people there broke that promise, my VERY OWN biological sister! 
 
I was living a double life and it was killing me. I hid for my entire pregnancy.  All I would do was go to work and then come home. I feared that if I went out somewhere, I would be seen by someone and my pregnancy would be discovered.  I was not ready to be vocal again about my choice, my decision and my journey.  After all, I did it once on Easter and was betrayed. I hid and was silent and this was not from embarrassment or shame.  But hid because I didn’t want to be judged or talked about.  LIFE SUCKED and I HATED every moment of it.

After Baby B was born and following a court date in November 2014 I finally broke down to my parents, my adoption counselor Jodi, and to Baby Boy’s Dads. I finally admitted that I could not lead a double life anymore and neither could my children, Chloe and Austin.  I needed to break my silence because WE ALL needed to be FREE!!! 
 
The next morning, I called my biological sister and disclosed when Baby B was born, what his name was and where he lived. Within a couple more hours, I composed my thoughts at work.  I cried the entire time I did it. I was not crying because of  embarrassment or fear.  I was crying because I was about to be FREE for the first time in one whole year. It went a little something like this:

“My name is Michelle and I am a Birthmom!  I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, baby boy at the end of August. He weighed 6 pounds and was 19 1/2 inches long. At birth, I placed my son with an incredible, loving, caring and amazing family. My decision was not easy at all, but I chose for my son to have life. I gave an amazing gift to a family that could not have otherwise had a son. My kids and I receive pictures of my son weekly and we have contact with the amazing, adoptive parents I chose for my son almost every day. There is NOT one day that goes by since the birth of my son that I don’t think about him and what his future holds. I know that I MADE THE BEST DECISION FOR HIM AND MY FAMILY”

Giving life to a child is an amazing feeling but when you choose life  and adoption it becomes the most selfless journey.  My journey was kept private until I was ready to share openly and wanted to stop living a double life. 

 

 

 

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